Dethklok's Fanfic
by soapfiction
Summary: Dethklok of Metalocalypse writes a Ranma fic. And you wondered if they had too much free time. This fic is totally metal. Read it. News: Have added new version with speakers revealed.
1. Chapter 1

I know it's been a while, but I'm back with another adult-swim themed Ranma fic. This time, Dethklok, the 12th largest economy from Metalocalypse, writes one: Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles the Drummer, doodily-doo, ding dong doodily, doodily-doo; Nathan Explosion; all took part in writing this Ranma fic. So, enjoy.

**Dethklok's Fanfic**

Okay, so here's how our story begins: we're in this pretty weak town, in a total non-metal Japanese house called the Tendo Dojo. And here-

Waits a moments. Whats is a dojo? Ain't that where you goes to puke after yous get wasteds?

Nah, I thinks it's where you go to store all your spares guitars an' stuff.

That's so dildos, Toki, it's got to be where yous puke. Listen tos it, dojo. Dooojooo.

Dooojooo-

It's where ya train in martial arts, ya douchebags! Ah, I'm sorry 'bout douchebags, ya know me, I, I got low blood sugar an' all.

All right that's enough. Anyway, it's in this stupid house where this dumb kid named Ranma – that name might be metal - who's supposedly a real good fighter, is preparing to go to school-

Dude, that's so not metal.

Yeah, yer right! I only went to school 'cause my principal let me play bass and smoke weed all day! Doin' anythin' else in school is totally not metal!

You're right. Not metal. Anyway, at breakfast, this girl who lives with him is trying to make some food. Only it's made of all this stuff, like lizard eggs, rancid meat, and motor oil. It was on fire when she brought it to him, and it nearly burned his face off.

Hey, that's gotta be metal. I mean, look at that f(shred)in' stuff: it's so black.

Yeah, any dish that can kill people is totally metal; especially when it's set on fire. So, he tells her to go screw herself, basically, and she gets pissed, and throws the food at him.

Whoa, dudes! That's is so f(shred)in' metal right there. But if he's livin's with these three sisters an all, how comes he ain't screw'sin ems'?

Wait, maybe he's tryin' to, ya know, get em' all in the sack at once, an' they're bein' such, ya know, frigid tits, an' he's so pissed at em' for it, that he don't wanna screw em' right now?

Yeah, I feels that way towards the chicks that make fun of me an' my models when I takes them ups to my rooms-

That's because yous and your models are so gay, an' so is your guitar-playing.

Shuts up, Skwisgaar!

Both of you shut up! I'm trying to do the story here! So, that's when the fight started. And then these other regular jack-offs show up. One of em' just bursts through the wall, crushing all things in his path. That's metal.

Yeah, he can crush boulders an' wears a bandana. That's plenty metal.

You're just saying that cause yous used to be in Snakes n' Barrels!

Yeah! And we made bandanas metal, ya' Scandinavian douche!

Will you guys knock it off? I wanna get through this. After that, some other people started showing up. And most of them are girls, all after this Ranma guy. What I don't understand is why he hasn't gangbanged all these chicks yet.

Dudes, it's gots to his ding-dong. Asian douches all have tiny little ding-dongs that no woman could evers get offs on. He's so dumb when it comes to chicks.

Why don't you shut the f(shred) up, blondie, I've seen ya' in the shower, an' yer's is nothing special, either-

Yeah it is! It's f(shred)in' BIG! Yous dildos can gos f(shred) yerselves-

SHUT UP! I'm trying to write, dammit! Anyway, these other two non-metal jack-offs were watching em' as they drank all this stuff-

Wait, hold on! If they're drinking booze, you can't say they aren't metal! Booze is metal, an' so is anyone who drinks it!

So, that dumb rock n' roll clown is metal?

When he's drinkin' booze, yeah.

Dude, that dumb f(shred)in' clown is NOT metal, no matter how drunk he gets.

So, then they all started fighting each other. This Ranma guy could break people's necks an' stuff. I guess that's metal. But he never really did anything that was super metal!

What about that guy with all the knives an' hooks and torture stuff inside his clothes? That's totally metal?

What do you mean? That douche looks like dildos!

He does not! Look at those hooks! Those're metal!

So, that chick's got a huge metal spatula, but that don't make her metal.

It does if she chops people up with it.

Yeah, chopping people up is definitely metal. But we don't have time for this! So, all these guys were surrounding this Ranma jack-off in the city. One of em' wore dumb clothes and carried this sword that's so non-metal in more ways than one, and this stupid guy in Hawaiian clothes and a bunch of barber shears. Those guys are so not metal, I wanna f(shred)in' kill em'! And some of these moves he pulls of sure seem metal, but they're nothing compared to this little old midget that came running in-

So he can drink booze, steal panties, and beat the shit out of regular jack-offs, all at the same time?

Looks like it.

That's the most metal thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, he looks real metal. So, for some reason, he takes this pail of water, and dumps it on this Ranma guy, and – he turns into a chick!

Whoa, dudes, that's f(shred)in' faggy!

But that chick's hot now!

So what? Turning into a girl is NOT METAL. Even though we'd still like to screw her, it's still not metal. When that fight goes on, some old hag of a woman joins the fight-

Oh, dudes, another hot GMILF.

Dude! That's f(shred)in' nasty!

Yeah! That wrinkled old tit looks worse than my grandma. An' she's f(shred)in' ugly as shit!

Hey! You guys knock it off, I'm almost done! So, he wins the fight. But, just after he wins, another woman shows up, and sees him changing back into a guy. It's his mother, and she doesn't like fags either, and she decides she has to kill her son for not being metal.

Totally metal. And a total MILF, too.

Yeah, she's supposed to – whoa! It says here that he's supposed to use a knife to cut his own guts out, while she cuts off his head with a sword! That's the most f(shred)in' metal thing I've ever heard! Blacker than black!

Yeah, but it ain't gonna be's metal.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Well look, she can't even handle the sword! She sucks at it! So, if she were to try that whole thing, she'd mess up so bads that the sword would onlys go halfway through his head, with his guts spilling out on the floor-

Holy crap! That's a great song idea!

_Sword in the skull_

_Guts on the floor_

_Brains everywhere_

_Your Mom's a total whore_

_(Long, kick-ass metal guitar solo...) _

_

* * *

_

Hope you enjoyed that one. I know I don't list which ones are which, but you should be able to tell who's who. And those so-called misspellings are there for a reason. If you don't know why, you shouldn't be reading this. Happy trails.


	2. Open Version

Dethklok's Fanfic

Okay, okay. Not long ago, I received a message or two from irate readers who couldn't enjoy the story because they couldn't tell who was saying what during the story. Here's the dumbed-down version for all of those who want it. Enjoy.

**Dethklok's Fanfic**

**Nathan: **Okay, so here's how our story begins: we're in this pretty weak town, in a total non-metal Japanese house called the Tendo Dojo. And here-

**Skwisgaar: **Waits a moments. Whats is a dojo? Ain't that where you goes to puke after yous get wasteds?

**Toki: **Nah, I thinks it's where you go to store all your spares guitars an' stuff.

**Skwisgaar: **That's so dildos, Toki, it's got to be where yous puke. Listen tos it, dojo. Dooojooo.

**Toki: **Dooojooo-

**Pickles: **It's where ya train in martial arts, ya douchebags! Ah, I'm sorry 'bout douchebags, ya know me, I, I got low blood sugar an' all.

**Nathan: **All right that's enough. Anyway, it's in this stupid house where this dumb kid named Ranma – that name might be metal - who's supposedly a real good fighter, is preparing to go to school-

**Pickles: **Dude, that's so not metal.

**Murderface: **Yeah, yer right! I only went to school 'cause my principal let me play bass and smoke weed all day! Doin' anythin' else in school is totally not metal!

**Nathan: **Your right. Not metal. Anyway, at breakfast, this girl who lives with him is trying to make some food. Only it's made of all this stuff, like lizard eggs, rancid meat, and motor oil. It was on fire when she brought it to him, and it nearly burned his face off.

**Pickles: **Hey, that's gotta be metal. I mean, look at that f(shred)in' stuff: it's so black.

**Nathan: **Yeah, any dish that can kill people is totally metal; especially when it's set on fire. So, he tells her to go screw herself, basically, and she gets pissed, and throws the food at him.

**Skwisgaar: **Whoa, dudes! That's is so f(shred)in' metal right there. But if he's livin's with these three sisters an all, how comes he ain't screw'sin ems'?

**Murderface: **Wait, maybe he's tryin' to, ya know, get em' all in the sack at once, an' they're bein' such, ya know, frigid tits, an' he's so pissed at em' for it, that he don't wanna screw em' right now?

**Toki: **Yeah, I feels that way towards the chicks that make fun of me an' my models when I takes them ups to my rooms-

**Skwisgaar: **That's because yous and your models are so gay, an' so is your guitar-playing.

**Toki: **Shuts up, Skwizzgar!

**Nathan: **Both of you shut up! I'm trying to do the story here! So, that's when the fight started. And then these other regular jack-offs show up. One of em' just bursts through the wall, crushing all things in his path. That's metal.

**Pickles: **Yeah, he can crush boulders an' wears a bandana. That's plenty metal.

**Toki: **You're just saying that cause yous used to be in Snakes n' Barrels!

**Pickles: **Yeah! And we made bandanas metal, ya' Scandinavian douche!

**Nathan: **Will you guys knock it off? I wanna get through this. After that, some other people started showing up. And most of them are girls, all after this Ranma guy. What I don't understand is why he hasn't gangbanged all these chicks yet.

**Skwisgaar: **Dudes, it's gots to his ding-dong. Asian douches all have tiny little ding-dongs that no woman could evers get offs on. He's so dumb when it comes to chicks.

**Pickles: **Why don't you shut the f(shred) up, blondie, I've seen ya' in the shower, an' yer's is nothing special, either-

**Skwisgaar: **Yeah it is! It's f(shred)in' BIG! Yous dildos can gos f(shred) yerselves-

**Nathan: **SHUT UP! I'm trying to write, dammit! Anyway, these other two non-metal jack-offs were watching em' as they drank all this stuff-

**Murderface: **Wait, hold on! If they're drinking booze, you can't say they aren't metal! Booze is metal, an' so is anyone who drinks it!

**Skwisgaar: **So, that dumb rock n' roll clown is metal?

**Murderface: **When he's drinkin' booze, yeah.

**Pickles: **Dude, that dumb f(shred)in' clown is NOT metal, no matter how drunk he gets.

**Nathan: **So, then they all started fighting each other. This Ranma guy could break people's necks an' stuff. I guess that's metal. But he never really did anything that was super metal!

**Murderface: **What about that guy with all the knives an' hooks and torture stuff inside his clothes? That's totally metal?

**Skwisgaar: **What do you mean? That douche looks like dildos!

**Murderface: **He does not! Look at those hooks! Those're metal!

**Pickles: **So, that chick's got a huge metal spatula, but that don't make her metal.

**Murderface: **It does if she chops people up with it.

**Nathan: **Yeah, chopping people up is definitely metal. But we don't have time for this! So, all these guys were surrounding this Ranma jack-off in the city. One of em' wore dumb clothes and carried this sword that's so non-metal in more ways than one, and this stupid guy in Hawaiian clothes and a bunch of barber shears. Those guys are so not metal, I wanna f(shred)in' kill em'! And some of these moves he pulls of sure seem metal, but they're nothing compared to this little old midget that came running in-

**Pickles: **So he can drink booze, steal panties, and beat the shit out of regular jack-offs, all at the same time?

**Murderface: **Looks like it.

**Pickles: **That's the most metal thing I've ever heard.

**Nathan: **Yeah, he looks real metal. So, for some reason, he takes this pail of water, and dumps it on this Ranma guy, and – he turns into a chick!

**Murderface:** Whoa, dudes, that's f(shred)in' faggy!

**Toki: **But that chick's hot now!

**Nathan: **So what? Turning into a girl is NOT METAL. Even though we'd still like to screw her, it's still not metal. When that fight goes on, some old hag of a woman joins the fight-

**Skwisgaar: **Oh, dudes, another hot GMILF.

**Pickles: **Dude! That's f(shred)in' nasty!

**Murderface: **Yeah! That wrinkled old tit looks worse than my grandma. An' she's f(shred)in' ugly as shit!

**Nathan: **Hey! You guys knock it off, I'm almost done! So, he wins the fight. But, just after he wins, another woman shows up, and sees him changing back into a guy. It's his mother, and she doesn't like fags either, and she decides she has to kill her son for not being metal.

**Skwisgaar: **Totally metal. And a total MILF, too.

**Nathan: **Yeah, she's supposed to – whoa! It says here that he's supposed to use a knife to cut his own guts out, while she cuts off his head with a sword! That's the most f(shred)in' metal thing I've ever heard! Blacker than black!

**Toki: **Yeah, but it ain't gonna be's metal.

**Pickles: **What the hell are you talkin' about?

**Toki: **Well look, she can't even handle the sword! She sucks at it! So, if she were to try that whole thing, she'd mess up so bads that the sword would onlys go halfway through his head, with his guts spilling out on the floor-

**Nathan: **Holy crap! That's a great song idea!

_Sword in the skull_

_Guts on the floor_

_Brains everywhere_

_Your Mom's a total whore_

_(Long, kick-ass metal guitar solo…)_

There. Hope that cleared a few things up. Happy trails.


End file.
